Im not gonna sit here and do all the conferences cause honestly I ain’t got the time for it tbh and plus, if you’re running in a conference that has valley in the name, not too many people would care what we have to say anyways.

If you want to complain about a typo, please attach it to an email with an 8×12 photo of yourself so we can hang it up and say mean things about you to make ourselves feel better.

If any of this offends your teammates, remember that there are more important things in this world like Ebola and justin timberlake getting Jessica biel pregnant and that we dont like it when you guys yell at us.

also keep in mind, we’re never wrong

Acc – your conference is so shitty, you hold your track conference meet in the middle of April. People would think that’s weird, but hardly enough people pay attention to acc track and field to notice.

Big 12 – you go by Big XII because you lost texas A&M, Colorado, and Missouri once they realized how big of an asshole Texas is. You really should go by Big XXX with how dirty Oklahoma state does you every year.

Big East – for being the big east, your schools aren’t very big, and your conference meet takes place in the Midwest. If this was march madness, we’d be all over this, but to be honest, we’re not really into seeing providence hold an open practice every year and claim that its a conference meet.

Big sky – man, with places like Moscow Idaho, Bozeman Montana, Sacramento california, and Ogden Utah, you can’t be too upset your conference meet is in North Dakota. Pretty lateral move if you ask me.

Big ten – if there’s one thing Michigan can lead beyond unemployment, poverty, and collapsing infrastructure, it seems to be big ten cross country. What this says about all the other schools, I’m not sure, but they’re probably too caught up in their overrated football teams to care.

Ivy League – you guys are banking on cross country kids naturally being smart as a way to fill your rosters. The only issue with that is that any kid smart enough to get into an Ivy League is smart enough to know they should run in a conference that matters

Mountain west – the last time people were in such a rush to get rid of Mormons, the Nauvoo Expositor lost their printing press. To be fair though, it’s hard to blame New Mexico for their role in getting rid of BYU, I’m not sure English people know who Mormons are.

Pac -12 – when it comes to the pac-12 you’re either Colorado, or you’re one african away from getting second to Colorado at conference. To be fair though, a lot of really great high school runners go to pac-12 schools and get really fast, just not at cal.

SEC – to be fair, the only reason half of you have programs is so your school can have their football team. They would’ve gone with field hockey but the equipment cost too much.

West coast conference – it’s like if you took all the pac12 schools, cut their funding, made the, religiously affiliated, and only allowed 2 teams to be good each year.

Mid american conference – sorta like a big ten but without the funding, or name recognition, or facilities. Chances are if you go to a MAC school, you were born in the Midwest and you don’t know any better that it’s a terrible place to live.

Big west – the big west is for runners who got an offer from cal but want to break their high school PR’s. Hawaii is in your conference but you’re holding the championship in riverside. Shit that’s like saying “I have this delicious burger” but instead of eating it, you kick yourself in the crotch.

Metro Atlantic athletic conference – never heard of it but if I’m going to guess, it probably shops at h and m and waxes its eyebrows but has an oddly attractive girlfriend who is into it for some reason.

Sun belt – the fun belt conference is a bunch of schools where they sound really cool but then your realize it’s texas Arlington and not Texas and Arkansas state and not Arkansas and then you get really sad but remember the nickname fun belt and it sort of makes it all playful again.

Colonial athletic association – one time when I was a kid, we went to colonial Jamestown and there was a woman fixing a hole in her wall and she was using poop which I found to be hilarious yet also how it must feel to be the colonial athletic association’s marketing team.

American athletic conference & Conference usa – the khloe kardashians of athletic conferences. Based off of name recognition, there’s a lot of potential but then you get closer and realize that it’s not what you’d hope and also probably oj simpsons daughter.

Atlantic sun conference – really bold to have a conference located on the sun, but it’s the future and things are different now. The other cool thing about this conference is how no matter which school you pick, you’re probably saying their name wrong.