Dumbflo’s XC Nationals Official Drinking Game

In watching a race, one is able to bear witness to the entire chaotic breadth of the human experience. From physical, emotional and mental anguish to the rushing sweet bliss of success. We see failure, adaption, failure to adapt, and skinny kids throwing elbows at each other for 30 straight minutes. Basically, it’s fucking great. As a result, Dumbflotrack has decided to share best practices for taking YOUR NCAA Cross Country Championship viewing experience to the a whole NEW level.

Being a spectator to such a phenomenal event can be a very passive experience. Often, it can leave one feeling like a like little helpless, useless, waste of space piece of garbage my AP Lit teacher was right this whole time I didn’t apply myself as much as I should have and I know it. Luckily, the hardworking crew at the Dumbflo headquarters have developed a new fandangled way for any spectator to become as equally involved (if not more…!) as the actual participants in the competition!

As disciples of the sport, we pay attention to trends. We hope to grab attention for our sport, make our sport “cool” and profitable, and help the “brand.” The best way to do this is to chug a beer every lap or shamelessly imbibe. So we decided to follow this trend with an engaging drinking game. You’ll be able to drink, but only at a select few unique opportunities of excitement that will inevitably unfold as men and women from all over our country vie for the title of “nation’s best.”

With that, find below our easy-to-follow, three-step plan. You, the spectator, will be able to simultaneously drown in your sorrows and feelings of inadequacy while seeing the elitest of the elite compete in the deepest race since WISCO 2016. And it is even possible to partake in the comfort of your own private domicile! Amazing! Keep your eyes peeled for the following occurrences listed below!

**Note:Chesewrecked™” is a registered trademark of Dumbflotrack Inc. Its duplication and usage without the pre-approved consent of Dumbflotrack is just a straight up dick move. Trust us. Please don’t do it… or you know what? Do it. See if we care (we don’t). Just don’t forget to give credit where it’s due.

**Disclaimer:
Dumbflotrack does not condone binge drinking or the consumption of alcohol by minors. Please drink responsibly. If certain people attending your viewing party are under the legal drinking age, we recommend that you fill a keg up with beef stew and let the young’uns suckle from that.
Additionally, do not participate in this drinking game if you are:
under the legal drinking age; any sort of sane; a normal human being; in possession of a liver; in possession of no liver, etc, etc. This should be common sense.


The Basic Rules

Drink when:

•The runners take the line

•A runner doesn’t make it to the line

•Your teammate gets passed

•Your teammate gets pissed

•Your teammate passes someone

•Your teammate passes out

•You see a Nike logo

•You see your coach (drink and wave!)

•You see your coach get passed by another coach en route to the next vantage point

•The commentator mentions Prefontaine

•A runner goes down. Hard.

•A WILD MERCA APPEARS

•Your dad hollers at you from the other room to quit making a ruckus when he’s trying to watch his stories

•The commentator mentions the course’s shitty conditions

•You realize the race is being held in the middle of Indiana (somberly shake your head from side to side while slowly pouring out your drink)

•Some punk goes rogue and takes the race out 50 meters ahead of the rest of the competition and it’s, like, only the first kilometer are they nuts!?

•You spot a Tinder match

Take a shot when:

•The starting gun is shot (test fires and callbacks count)

•The starter is shot

•A person at your viewing party exclaims “And they’re off!” in an old-timey announcer voice

•You hear the announcer pronounce someone’s name wrong

•You hear the announcer pronounce their own name wrong

•The announcer gives a pitch for subscribing to FloPro

•Take a shot for each sport you’ve never heard of when the announcer mentions all the great benefits of a FloPro subscription package

•You hear the announcer pronounce their own name wrong

•You hear the announcer talk about their own experience running on the LaVern Gibson Championship Course

•You hear the announcer use an iteration of the phrase “jostle for position”

•You hear yourself or a person around you use an iteration of the phrase “jostle for position”

•Someone at your viewing party asks who the person is that took the race out 50 meters ahead of everyone

•The person who took the race out 50 meters ahead of everyone gets dropped like a hot potato

•Some poor misguided soul gets boxed in

•A photographer is lying on the ground to get that super flattering from-below angle

•It becomes clear said photographer is Paul Merca or Michael Scott

•You see a team sponsored by some weird brand nobody has ever heard of

•Michael Williams is a wildcard

•Some dude with an enormous flag runs across the course to get a better viewing spot

•Someone gets spiked

•Someone who isn’t even racing gets spiked

•You realize how long the freaking straightaway to the finish line is

•You see someone overpronate and are triggered

•There is an upset

•You are upset

•A Colorado runner finishes as an All-American

Chug your drink whenever:

•A runner is hit by a deer

•There is dead air in the commentary

•The coverage lags

•Your wifi cuts out because too many assholes are on their phones (Come on guys. We all know you’re better than that.)

•A dog is loose on the course

•You realize your dog is loose on the course

•Some mofo ends with a finishing kick on par with those seen in a high school JV boy’s race

•You’re in the race

•Galen Rupp wins a silver medal

•you saved 15% or more on your car insurance

•There is a wardrobe malfunction (in the race or at your viewing party)

•Andy Powell shows emotion

•You see someone wearing a Dumbflo t-shirt (drink and wave!)

•A runner wears HOKA racing flats

•Two words: Arm. Sleeves.

Give a drink when:

•The announcers get confused over the course map

•Anybody mentions Cheserek’s age and how it is shrouded in mystery

•You remember the scene from Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers when Gimli and Legolas are fighting Uruk-hai at Helms Deep and they’re having a competition about who can kill more of Saruman’s minions before the fighting is done

•A spectator pukes on the sidelines from playing the Dumbflo drinking game irl

•You yourself puke from sheer excitement

•You laugh

•You cry

•The cockles of your heart are warmed

•A professional runner makes a cameo appearance (drink and wave!)

Race-Specific Rules

Women’s Race Rules
!!!waterfall your drink… One second per °F temperature at the start of the race

Drink when:

•You’re pretty sure you just saw someone poop their bunners

•Some chick gets a stress fracture

•Take a shot for each temporary “M” tattoo Erin Finn wears on her cheeks

•They pass the 8k mark

•You mistake University of Portland’s team for a group of bewildered children who have wandered onto the course

•Two girls from completely different teams help a third girl from an even more obscure team cross the finish line :,)

•Someone’s hair comes completely out of their braid

•Amy-Eloise Neale out-kicks everyone

•(Eastern Michigans #6 woman) loses a shoe

Men’s Race Rules
!!!waterfall your drink… One second per °F temperature at the start of the race

Drink when:

•You’re pretty sure you just saw someone poop their short shorts

•You see a hella tall guy who is surprisingly fast

•You see a guy wearing a headband

•You see a guy who should be wearing a headband

•You see a guy wearing compression shorts under his shorties

•Someone freaks out cuz Wisconsin is in the top 3 at the 2k split

•Someone freaks out cuz Wisconsin is in the top 20 at the 5k split

•You find yourself mesmerized by Matthew Maton’s voluptuous mane (what a dreamboat amirite)

•Take one drink for each finger Yung King Chezzy throws up as he crosses the finish line

•Edward Cheserek’s shirt comes untucked

•take a shot for each person Pat Tiernan outkicks in the final 200m

•Take one drink for each finger Yung King Chezzy throws up as he crosses the finish line

***In the (highly unlikely) event that Edward wins, Wu Tang your motherfucking drink and GET CHESEWRECKED***

Finish your drink if you read through this entire thing and forgot to actually watch the NCAA Championships.

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