We’re all out of ideas. Let’s face it. This account was created and peaked long, long, long ago. Our jokes are old, our opinions stale, and the ink in our quills has long run too dry to write down our tweets for Intern Chase to put onto the internet.
This stuff happens from time to time with creative types. The Beatles broke up, the live action Mutant Turtles movies ceased production, and George R.R. Martin has been lying to the public for years. DumbFlotrack has seemingly run its course. We’ve had good times and bad. We’ve had our laughs, sang a few songs, danced a few dances, but the sun is setting because there really isn’t much left for DumbFlotrack to say anymore. Don’t be sad. The world existed before DumbFlotrack and it will exist long after it is gone. That’s just the way the universe works.
DumbFlotrack has always followed one rule: We don’t give a crap about your opinions. However, from time to time, the great and powerful need for content comes along and we’re required to put something out into the universe. With our current lack of ideas, it was time for us to break our one rule.
So, I did what any sensible human being would do and created a survey, tweeted it out, and trusted the internet to not be assholes. Also, data fucking rules.
What follows is the survey we sent out and the best responses we received.
Prefer not to say
I don’t want to get into an argument about gender because I’ve always believed that if someone wants to be something, let them be it. Doesn’t change anything about who you are. But I did appreciate a few responses here:
1996 Toyota Corolla
The noodle you throw against the wall to see if the pasta is ready
My least favorite response was the 15 different versions of “Apache Attack Helicopter” that we received. We get it guys, you’re on Reddit.
What this question did confirm though is that our follower base is overwhelmingly a sausagefest. There is so much man meat following our account, the producers of Magic Mike said: “this is a bit much.”
The next question was age which proved again that most of our followers are either in or have recently graduated from college. The largest section of followers outside of that was people who will be turning 70 next year, which I don’t fully understand, but okay.
Next, we asked highest level of education achieved which was about half some college with the other half being mixed among the other options. There are a few high schoolers following us, which I am contractually obligated to refer to as “dope” and “fly” and “tight.”
We then asked, “Are you Kara Goucher?” 66% said no, 27% are not sure, and 6.9% said yes. This is weird cause Kara was by no means obligated to take our survey multiple times (in fact we discourage that) but she did it anyway. Very loyal follower. Also, you should know if you’re Kara Goucher. What’s there to be unsure about?
Next, we asked you to answer “Dumbflotrack is the _______ running related Twitter account” with either “Greatest” or “Best” with greatest winning 60.6% of the vote. I’d like to take this time to say screw you to every Twitter account with “Runner” “Nation” “Cross” “Probs” “Relatable” or “Team” in its title. Also, if you ever see one of those accounts with a tweet of ours on their Instagram or something, be sure to tag us, I’d love to toss them a like.
On a scale of 1-10 you guys gave #AskDumbFlo a 10/10 so we’ll keep that going, even though it is our least engaged with recurring tweet series. You guys are weird. You say you like something, but you don’t act like it.
Our audience is pretty split, but it does appear that they want a realistic down-to-earth twitter account that’s completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots.
About 75% of the time, you tell us that you’re discussing DumbFlotrack at practice. This is actually pretty cool cause there is a lot of stuff you could talk about at practice but you choose to talk about us and our stupid jokes. I’m sure coaches are happy to hear you guys doing this.
Our audience was correct in guessing that Chris Chavez is over the age of 20, with only 32.1% thinking that Sports Illustrated hires children. Oh, Chris Chavez is actually 53. He’s got great skin. Makes him look young.
I’m not going to list out all the Twitter accounts of your least favorite teammates, but it’s really weird that you say you don’t like them but you won’t let us contact them. I don’t think you actually dislike them that much. Just let us shoot them a message and figure out what it is you don’t like about them.
The best Regional Manager, Scranton was selected as Creed. This is really weird because Creed was only the manager for at most 2 episodes (depending on how you count). The other surprise? Robert California (The Lizard King) coming in 4th.
Ira Glass is to long-form storytelling the way Dumbflotrack is to _________.
The best responses here were:
Quality Track and Field Journalism (Does this makes us Big J Journos?)
Making me puke from laughing so hard
Cheese? I don’t know who Ira Glass is
When I think of Running Twitter’s Ira Glass, I think of:
First place: DumbFlotrack
Second Place: Kyle Merber
SUCK IT KYLE.
Also, we got 5 “Who is Ira Glass?” responses
69% of our followers can point out Eugene, Oregon on a map. Nice.
People seem pretty split on paying $69/month or $69/year on DumbFloPro but the biggest section was the moneybags willing to spend $420/year.
70% of our followers don’t think Ira Glass is that great and a large majority don’t think anything he does makes him better than DumbFlotrack.
66% also don’t know who Ira Glass is.
This is insane, the guy is an icon, people love him. He’s the king of narrative storytelling. He can find a story in anything and add his own touch of humor, emotion, and tension. Guys, Ira Glass is an amazing human being. Go listen to the episode “Fiasco!” about a small-town production of Peter Pan. It’s great. The fact that you think that we’re better than him? That means a lot. Thank you so much.
Oh, and regarding the shirts? Stay tuned.